...or as I like to call it, "when our heart out paces our soul".
As one who likes to combat the notion that we only put our good on social media, I want to be raw and real for a moment.
This last week as been pretty ugly. Loneliness has crept in, in the recent weeks and I saw it begin to reveal its ugly little head this week.
After a really ugly year in 2013, I noticed the beginnings of what turned in to an ugly cycle of depression. Thankfully I’m recognizing it. Thankfully I’m seeing it early where I can do something about it. After all, recognition is the first step. (right?)
But, as I’ve thought and reflected this morning in my devotional time, I’ve realized something. I used stuff to stuff the lonely feelings.
Last week I posted about my “possibilities hoarding” tendencies. And, they are so real. But, coming off 2 weeks of cleaning out, I’m realizing without the stuff there, I have to deal with the real thing that was beneath them. Yes, the ugly, dirt covered floor of my garage. Its nasty and every time I walk out there, I bring some of the dirt back in to my house on my bare feet. Thankfully I can rub it off on the mat at my door, but its still there as a reminder.
Now I could get all kinds of crazy metaphorical on you here, but I’ll spare us both the lesson.
Its been a hard week. Cleaning all that stuff out and packing it up for someone to come pick up was like peeling the scab off an old wound. It was just starting to heal because it was covered up. The new skin was starting to grow over it and conceal it even better. But no, I had to go and reveal it. Bring it back up to the surface.
Looking at our ugly is hard. Seeing who we really are in our core is brutal. There is a reason I had it covered.
Lonely is a dark place. It’s an empty place. Its like being in a tunnel and you can't see the point of origination or the light of deliverance. Oh, I feel like I’m about to make a turn and there will be a new light source. Something drawing me toward it that will shed light on where I currently am. I know its there because I’ve experienced it before. You can’t always live in the middle of the dark tunnel.
The deepest parts of the ocean is a place where its pitch dark, freezing and pressure is so condensed it squashes out most anything that can live. Problem is the sea creatures that live down there have had to make adaptations to be able to survive. They are scary looking creatures, but they’ve made it work. I think that’s something I’m fearful of. What scars will always remain if I stay in this place?
So, I will walk forward. Knowing, hoping and relying on the fact that because there has been a light before, there will be a light again (I’m sure there’s some philosophical law theory that puts a name to this!).
This morning my prayer was, “God come and fill the empty places of my heart like foam expanding caulk. I want my heart to look more like You than it does like me. Fill my voids, my ugly thoughts, the deep gallows where nothing exists, with more of who You are.”