Do you ever experience loneliness?
When does it kick in? Is there a trigger, or is it just a feeling?
I find myself wondering these things often. Maybe its just the empty Saturday schedule or the fact that my world is a little less "busy" these days, but I don't do "idle" or "still" very well.
And, I guess that its not fair to think about being lonely because I'm not surrounded by people. As if loneliness is a result of something someone else did to me. Either way, its not a fun feeling. I mean, I look around and I see a full email box, I've spent my morning responding to a slew of text messages, I've had an hour long phone call with my aunt, and Facebook tells me I have 1,889 friends. So, my life should be full right?
I've spent the morning looking through Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. People gathered last night in groups, pods of people, to cook out, swim and celebrate. Those same groups are gathered this morning with donuts and homemade casseroles continuing the celebration.
I miss my Arkadelphia people on a weekend that included Independence Day. I mourn the traditional (and creative) celebrations we had. I miss not having to wonder how I'm going to spend the day or with whom I'll be. I miss not feeling like I'm intruding to invite myself along for the festivities. I miss planning random pay dates and excursions.
Its my own fault. I had people try and include me and I said "no". I was waiting for a better offer. Not better, just the one I wanted.
I'm grumpy. I'm tired of striving. I'm not myself and I want to be more.
I've had 2 weeks of laziness in the evenings and its time to take back my world. This week I'm going to clean out. I'm going to get myself ready for a sewing fest. I'm going to be busy and productive and if my world is not surrounded with people interaction, I'll fill the time to make a difference.
And, I'm pretty sure I need to stay off Facebook today. A girl has got to know her emotional boundaries and today, the art of comparison is mine.