As I've spent the last couple days reading social media and blog posts about the ending of 2013 and 2014, I've struggled to come up with words for where I am.
I'll be honest (because you know I usually hold back)
I HATE JANUARY - and typically February, too.
I do. I'm a living breathing example of SAD (Seasonal Affect Disorder). No, I've not been official diagnosed, but this is one self diagnosis that I know I've not missed.
I hate it. And after watching some DVR shows today while cleaning and putting away Christmas I think its because of several reasons.
-intention hits the door- All the commercials on these shows are heart warming. They are thank you messages from businesses, they have great lighting, they have soft, kind music, their topics make you feel good and are so different from what we hear the rest of the year. I mean, what if we had something like the CMA Christmas music special a couple times a year? What if we stopped and said "thank you" in May or September too? What if we looked at tradition more than surrounding a couple holidays each year? What if we sought to see our family and friends like we do in December? What if we gave everything away like we do in the winter months? What if we gave 12 months out of the year instead of seeing what we need to get rid of for tax deductions?
-togetherness leads to loneliness- I realize I'm a little more spoiled than others in that I have always been in positions where I get an extended Christmas break. Whether its working for an educational institution or needing to take unused vacation days, I usually get a hefty helping of family time over the break. For the first time, this year it was hard to leave home. I realize we had a big family event that put the next steps of life in perspective and gave me a chance to have some QT with my parentals as an only child, but I did not want to come back. And, for the first time since graduating college I began to feel the pull to be closer to home. My family is close. We are friends and spending time with them is one of my favorite things to do. When you leave being surrounded 24/7 by people you love, hugs and encouraging words, less than 12 hours in your own home begins to feel like isolation.
-I hate change and beginnings- I'm always scared of the unknown. The terms "potential" and "possibility" are pregnant with "anxiety" and "fear". I question myself, my abilities and my capabilities. So much about my life right now is not what I expected, what I wanted, or what I know to maneuver. I can't think about today because I'm anxious about Monday at work. And I can't process what all needs to be done on Monday because I'm anxious about working on the next Monday-Wednesday. I can't think about the next Monday because I'm worried about planning for the end of the week. See where this is going? Its terrible. I've spoken about it before and I'm sure I'll re-visit the subject. It seems to be a plague I follow. But, I want more and different. I want to experience rest and peace. I'm one that likes to make a well thought out plan and then work towards that, long term.
Last year I learned lots about obedience and surrender. Apparently I'm super hard headed because I feel like I'm back in the same place. Wondering, questioning (when I should be trusting), and feeling anxious (a feeling I know all too well).
I want something to look forward to, to strive for, to give back to. I want to dig roots. I feel like a nomad. I know I have purpose and I know I have many thing to fight for, I just want to see and feel progress and know its ENOUGH.
That's it. I don't feel enough. Enough in my personal life, my professional life and both of those are a result of my spiritual life.
I cried today on the phone with my mom, and yesterday leaving my sister and at lunch with my dad the day before that! I want to feel whole, productive, contributing, and settled.
When Jan 2013 hit, it didn't know what would happen at the end of Feb or in April, May or July, Aug 22 or labor day weekend, Nov or how amazing the last 3 weeks would be.
I heard Robin Roberts say in her recent interview with Barbara Walters that she "cant look back because it depresses and can't look forward because it creates anxiety", so she is "just going to focus on today". Seems like a perfect mantra to me. If only I can keep reminding myself.