I must confess, most days I start my morning by scrolling through facebook. And, while that's not entirely healthy, it has become a place of fresh morning reminders. I'm grateful for those I follow who use their morning post to share scriptures, inspirational pictures, motivational quotes, etc. It is exactly the kind of thing I need.
I'm finding that one of my personal "trigger points" for depression and being overwhelmed is lack of sleep and well after being up for 20 hours yesterday, I was there. This morning I still woke up before 6:30 and sometimes the only way to keep my mind from wandering to really ugly and dark mental places is to distract it by scrolling through facebook.
This morning, I stumbled across a post by some college friends. Grant and Kimmie are being so transparent through a tough international adoption process. Her faith and the way she articulates it through her blog always challenge me. Its amazing to me how "trusting God" isn't always an event specific type of faith. Trusting God is trusting Him no matter the circumstances. It doesn't know boundaries of gender, race, or situation. Trust is trust. And, needing to do it is always an expectation or rather, a necessity.
This morning, Kimmie posted a link to her post from yesterday. In it she shared a song that she and Grant have gone back to and it was so what I needed to hear this morning.
Weeping is probably not the best way to start a Friday morning, but I had been sitting here wrestling with the evil thoughts running through my mind and begging God in the in between to be present in my mind. I want to trust Him completely. And, I do, but somehow those ugly thoughts creep in and take over. I wish I could describe to you what that feels like. The only thing that I can use right now is the moment when you are standing on stage and it fills with fog. The thick kind that you cant breathe through. You want to walk off the stage and get away, but it follows with you and even when the machine stops pushing it out on the stage, it lingers in the air. The only way to get away from it is to leave and go to a new place.
This morning, I found a song that helped me get to a new place. I share it with you as a moment of me acknowledging my struggle and yet a reminder of where to go.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I think I was most overwhelmed by the fact that this process is something God wants to use for my good. That he wants to lead me to a place of fully trusting him without limits. Where I can walk on water - something only He has done. That He would call me to wherever He wants me to go and use me in that place. That He would take me deeper that my own personal lack of adventure and risk would go and in that place with Him, my faith would be made stronger.
What an awesome privilege to know that the Creator of this Universe desires me in that kind of way and wants me in that kind of way and will equip me with that kind of love to build in me that kind of faith. Oh that I would continually be available and listen. When I'm begging get me out of this place, lift my spirit from this dark hole, pull off the burdens of my day - I hear Him saying - let me take you there and let's go together.