Sunday, March 31, 2013

lately

so, its been approximately...too many days since I last posted.  For that I'm sorry.  For those of you who know I'm long winded, then I'm not sorry. When I don't post, I just consider those days words that I can put on reserve and use double in a later post!

So, what's new with me?

I'm adjusting. 

That's about the only adjective that I can come up with.  I'm going to Fellowship NWA and I LOVE it.  I've found a great small group that have become friends and the highlight of my week. 

I'm learning much about divine moments.

This whole adjustment process has been full of them.  The most poignant was back on Jan 3 when a random woman sat by me at church.  She kinda lingered after church and started asking me some questions trying to figure out "my story".  You know me...I'm kinda an open book and not one to hold back.  Well a 2.5 hour lunch later, I had me a new friend and she and her husband have been totally God-sent to help me get plugged in.  I was so excited to quickly connect with a Cancer ministry they have getting off the ground and have already had some great moments to learn through discipleship training.  All because a woman listened to an urging in her heart to just do a little "prying" to a quiet, awkward girl who looked new.

I'm learning a lot about being quiet and being still.

Neither of which I do very well.  Back in January, I picked up a copy of Jesus Calling.  I had heard such great things about it as a devotional and decided it was time to see what they were all talking about.  Around this same time I noticed that a girl I follow on Facebook, you know one of those acquaintances that you are just connected to because paths have crossed, was posting Jesus Calling and Jesus Today every morning.  Not exactly the place you expect or way you expect to do your morning devotional.  But, if my screen shot gallery on my phone represents anything, it shows this.  Some very tough lessons have been learning. Unfortunately the first thing I find myself doing every morning is grabbing my phone, pulling my covers up to my chin and scrolling over to her page to find the words.  The words of truth.  The words that I often feel are written each morning and directly to me.  The words that I find myself craving each morning like a fresh brewed cup of coffee with my favorite creamer sitting and waiting for me.  (if it hadn't been so stinking cold up here I might say like a warm morning sun shining on my face, but I'm not really sure what that feels like anymore)

I'm enough.

This is the main lesson that God has been teaching me.  The place He brings me back to and keeps reminding me.  I've learned some very tough lessons in the last 6 months about adequacy, self worth, eternal measure and personal value.  Rough and tough are both words I would use to describe the lesson I've been given.  Its a daily struggle and probably will continue to be.

I'm still processing the ways I can share with you that the Lord has grown and protected me.  I process blog posts in my mind many times during the day.  I can assure you I need the cathartic healing that comes from sharing my soul.  But, if I'm being honest I'm working back to the vulnerability of 2008 when I moved in here to bigpittstop and set up camp.  I'm worried about judgment.  I'm worried about what people will think about me.  That the mask and façade of "ok" might be shattered.

I'm getting there.  I want to share and I want to "go there", but I'm not sure I can put it all into words.

In the meantime, I'll continue to beg for prayers:
  • that the obstacles in front will continue to seem small compared to the clear call that I felt from God
  • that my personal adequacy and measure will come from Who I belong to and not what I'm doing
  • that I will be sensitive to the opportunities in front of me and open to the good things that I know God wants for me
  • that Satan's ugly, nasty words that he puts in my mind will diminish like a morning fog - that's what they feel like right now with terribly bitter messages that I've never struggled with before
  • that I will continue to be able to use the gift of my cancer journey to open the door to critical conversations that will only bring God glory
Thanks for these small moments together.

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