Wednesday, February 18, 2009

25 random things

ok, so I've been tagged enough I'll cave in an do this.

1. I'm ok with leftovers. I don't like eating them the day after they were first fixed, but I like to eat them.

2. I don't like cooking for 1, b/c there are always leftovers and you have to eat them for the next week.

3. I don't like cleaning out the refrigerator. I have food issues. I think one of the most gracious/humbling jobs a person can have is to work as a dishwasher at a restaurant. I just don't like cleaning dishes unless I know what was on the plate and who ate off the plate. Even at my house, I turn the water on high and try to wash everything off with the water pressure. I am grateful that my new house has a sprayer. Except now that I think about it, I don't think I have ever used it.

4. I only have a half dishwasher at my house. Which means, since I don't like hand washing dishes, that I usually have dishes that accumulate in my left sink. After all, dirty dishes go in the right side and "rinsed" ones go in the left side.

5. I do not have a disposal at my house. I HATE not having a disposal. It falls under the "food issues" umbrella. I don't like having to dump the little drain stopper after I rinse out dishes. It gives me the shivers just typing it.

6. My sister doesn't like to come visit me because she says I have too many rules at my house. Hope Italy goes ok. Maybe I cant have rules in another country.

7. I worry a LOT. Yeah, about things that shouldn't matter and about things that are days, months, or years away from happening. Its a phenomenon. The Lord and I have talked about this for pretty much 26 years.

8. I'm mad at cancer. Not from a selfish perspective but...well, just read my last post.

9. I'm a big fan of "Ziploc" storage containers. I like how the lids fit down over each other. Yeah, I know that is weird.

10. I like to make cupcakes and things in my mini muffin pan.

11. I like making surprises happen. Even, if it is something little.

12. I don't like to wear matching pajamas. Seems too planned for something that you sleep in.

13. I don't like eating out at restaurants by myself. I'm worried that people would feel sorry for me. I don't like thinking that people are talking about me. And, the thought of a waiter giving me sympathy just makes me tense. Plus, when you go by yourself, they always think you are a secret shopper and treat you funny. If I do have to eat by myself, I always take something in with me-work, a book, or a magazine...or I stay on the phone most of the time.

14. Dinner is my favorite meal of the day and I love to eat out and spend a long time enjoying my time and Food.

15. I love to cook and I like to change recipes and make them mine. Or, trying to figure out how to make the same thing with the things I have in my house. That's what is right (isn't that right AB?)

16. I always work late. Its a fault

17. I talk to my mom basically everyday.

18. I got 12 books for Christmas. Yes, my sister called me a nerd. No, I haven't started reading any of them

20. The sheets on my bed are pink and they are not big enough to cover the entire mattress (like all the sides. I have a pillow top...ok, tmi). It bothers me every night.

21. I keep the doors to my spare bedrooms closed all the time.

22. I'm obsessed with my DVR and keeping it cleaned out.

23. I check my Netflix every Tuesday to see if I need to add anything to my queue.

24. All my friends are having babies (well not all), but when I went to Babies 'R Us with one of them, it made my eye twitch.

25. When I go on a trip, I typically take close to 500 pictures. I want to buy a new card for my camera, but my dad already thinks I take too many pictures and doesn't understand why. So, this is my own personal source of self control. We'll see how it works in March.

Ok, I'm not tagging anyone specific. If you read this, consider yourself tagged. If you choose not to do one of these lovely things for yourself, I understand. It's a fad. I usually wait until a fad is almost out/over to jump on the band wagon. I only like making safe decisions...consider that a bonus...item number 26!


I've decided I'm mad a cancer. I'm mad that it is taking people in my world. I'm mad that we have to have a thing called Relay for Life (even though I enjoy it and am grateful for it).

I'm just irritated. I hate getting calls that say. " "insert name here" is not doing well with their treatment. I just want you to have a a heads up!" No, its not fair.

I'm not sure if you have ever heard of survivors guilt, but this is when it starts to set it. I want to be strong and go visit people and support them, stand by them, give them advice. But, when my life is good and I'm home free, it's hard to feel that way.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


Please take the 8minutes and 43 seconds that it takes to watch this video. It will change your day, I promise!

I'm working on getting it embeded here.


Friday, February 6, 2009

two things and a sidekick

Well, I have two things I need to update you on. Last Sunday afternoon, I took a big step.

I unpacked my chemo bag and the "just in case" overnight bag that has been packed since March 26 when I stayed at the Berry's on the night of discovery.

That moment Sunday afternoon was full of mixed emotions. Those bags had been packed, just because they were. No real reason, they just were. Before I moved, I couldn't unpack them. They still needed to be packed, as far as I was concerned. "I might still need them" was a thought that constantly went through my head. They both laid on the floor beside my bed, on the side that I did not get in on. So, I didn't see them very often, but when I put laundry away, or clean up my room, I always stepped over them or moved them around.

There had been a comfort for me in the "chemo bag". I had magazines in them, dad's mp3 player, candy, cards, all kinds of "activities" that I would keep myself busy with. It is strange. Its a bag that I never took anything out of, unless I was at chemo. Part of me didnt want to use up those things unless I was in that room, in my chair, stitting getting juiced up for 4 hours. (It is amazing during this journey how you find comfort in the consistency and how you hold those moments sacred...I never want to forget that) I really had no idea how heavy that thing was and how much I was carrying around (there is a whole metaphor that I could run with right there...but not tonight...that will be a spiritual lesson for another night!).

When I moved into my new place, the chemo bag laid on the floor behind the right door to my closet and the "just in case bag" sat in front of the left door to my closet. these were both places that I would see them everyday, every time I walked to my closet, every time I put something in my dirty clothes basket, every time I did my laundry, every time I got a pair of pants or a skirt to wear, a scarf or a belt, a pair of boots or heals. Both bags were there. If I wanted to close my closet doors and have a "clean room" I had to pick them up and "stuff" them in the bottom of my closet so they weren't laying out. I think you see where I'm going with this.

I had them out in my apartment because they were necessary. Why unpack a bag you might need any night. You might need if you got too sick to be alone. You might need the night after surgery if you couldn't be alone. You might need if your chemo made you sick and had to go in the hospital. You might need if you picked up a sickness that other people had or something that was "going around" and you weren't staying at your house.

These were all things that I thought about.

On New Year's Eve, I decided something. Well, really God moved me to a special place. We had one of those moments where we had a "talk". If you know me, you know I like to tell God stuff. Like what I'm going to do and how He is going to mix into that. Or, how He reveals things to me about myself and I start having all my reasons to tell him back! You know what I'm talking about. Where, you start to reason with God, like that is actually really possible. So, here we are talking and I realize that everything we are going through is for my own good. Yeah, like I had to "open mouth, insert foot" in front of God. Not the good kind of (humble) pie I was expecting to eat over Christmas Break.

But, here is what we came to. I had let "having cancer" be my label. Maybe even control my thoughts. It was an easy thing to blame things on, to excuse things by, to reason things with. I don't know that I can say it was a crutch, but it was something that I was hiding under and that I was allowing to hold me back. So, in those moments, I had to release it. In order to move on, to be better, to get past it, I had to let it go.

Yes, I will always be someone who had cancer...but that makes me a Survivor. Yes, I have emotional steps that I have to fight through, but that makes me a Warrior. Yes, my hair looks different from one week to another, but that makes me look more like myself every time. Yes, I have mental battles that I have work through every day, but that makes me obedient.

So, unpacking these bags was something I had to do. Not just to clean up my bed room, but to literally get rid of the clutter. To move obstacles and barriers that were letting me hold on. To break the crutches that were allowing me something to lean on. It was so liberating!!!

I've already used one of the bags three other times this week. I needed to unload my most useful "tote" so I can use it for something else (the "just in case bag" had to get emptied so it can be my carry on for Italy!).

Second thing, my hair has grown out enough that I was able to wear it "half up" yesterday. This may not seem like that big of an accomplishment, but this means I'm moving out of the "you have to poof to look like you have hair stage" and into the "you can poof to look cute" stage. It's so fun.

I've never been one to do my hair the same way everyday anyway, but really as my hair grows back in (which I am so thankful for) it is something new everyday. It is so easy and I really need to stop by the Gossip Shop so she knows how to keep it like this (the layers I mean, not the crazy hair going everywhere thing), but I am amazed each week at how fast it grows and how I can go from having a spiky Mohawk on Sunday, to my part laying down on Friday. Thank you Lord for the little accomplishments.

Now for the (side)kicker....we booked two of our hotels for Italy tonight. If you don't know what I'm talking about, click the link at the top right for "Team in Training". Mary Kate and Ashley hold nothing on these two sisters in Italy!!!